Your resiliency and my daughter’s tattoo…
Summary: “Always forgive, never forget” became a life mantra for me because it got inked on my daughter’s shoulder (without me knowing, but for all the right reasons). The details of the story are examples of resiliency training you might benefit from reading.
(As is true of most historical writings, this might be embellished a bit to emphasize a point or two. As the author of this — and the father in this story — I freely admit taking some liberties with the ‘facts.’)
Prolog. My education: Not the best foundation
I don’t remember being a particularly smart kid — or young adult for that matter (or even now…). Thankfully, there is a big difference between book smarts and street smarts — turns out I definitely had the latter, but not the former, when I was young. The fact that it took me until my early 20s to realize the power of learning (book smarts) proved how slowly I catch on to some things blindingly obvious to others.
Once I did catch it, I began a voracious quest to lean and learn and learn. The reason for the quest, however, was not necessarily noble or endearing. I simply saw it as a more powerful way to control my environment as well as those in my environment; ignorance or stupidity was certainly the way to be controlled, not to be the controller. I began noticing that a lot of other people were pursuing ‘education’ for the same reasons — fear and a lack of self-worth seemed to be the predominant driving motivators in all too many of my contemporaries. I figured I was in ‘good company’ because these were smart people.
I felt uncomfortable, however, with the disconnect and discord between something so inherently good (education) and its pursuit and/or ultimate use. My internal struggle with this began a stage of ‘challenging the system’ for me; I wanted to pressure test everything, question everything, and convince myself of the validity of supposedly ‘words of wisdom’ from people smarter than me.
Challenging the putative ‘words of wisdom’ — while being addicted to them
As I learned I became fascinated how people could capture what seemed to be a lifetime of learning and summarize it in a few words or sentences. “There is nothing so tragic as a half-lived life.” “Be kind, for everyone is fighting a great battle.” SO many more. I became what I’d consider to be a quote addict.
Yet, a few saying kept rubbing me in the wrong direction. “All great minds think alike” was one that was painfully untrue to me. Having just finished graduate-level statistics and feeling rather cocky for doing well in the class I countered: “No, average minds think alike; idiots don’t think; great people think very differently than the masses.” “If something is worth doing, do it well” was another doozy. To me, if it was worth doing, do it half-assed, with duct tape and string, and however else you would need to do it; if it isn’t worth doing, STOP.” I reveled in the thought that I could challenge traditional sayings like what Zig Ziglar had done (“Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly — until you can learn to do it well.”)
I felt good with my ‘challenge everything’ practice but I wan’t prepared to learn who was watching me — and learning.
Enter my daughter’s request for her tattoo…
At around 16 my daughter was either going into, immersed in, or coming out of her ‘goth’ phase (black on gaunt, somber demeanor, etc.) — perhaps a side effect of her being cut a bit from the same fabric of her father, I reasoned. Despite this rather normal rebellious phase, I wasn’t totally prepared for her request for a tattoo; I did, however, recognize it as an opportunity to learn (for me to learn about her and her thinking, as well as what was on her teenage girl’s mind). I knew there were legal restrictions that would prevent this, as well as the absolute refusal of approval from her mom, but I wanted to help her challenge the status quo and ‘the man’! Part of the test, though, was to hear from her “WHY?” Why would she want to permanently (or semi-permanently) mark such a wonderful body as hers — couldn’t she come up with an alternative way to make whatever statement she wanted to make? I requested, therefore, that she write out these reasons for me to evaluate: IF they were compelling, I’d put in a plug to have the tatt realized. She wasn’t happy, but she went off to do what I assumed was to complete her assignment. I didn’t hear anything back for a quite a while so I thought the issue dead.
Similar to the un-dead look of some of her goth friends, this didn’t fully die. By the time she was 17 or so, she made the request again. Needless to say for anyone who has a young daughter dealing with hormones, life and more, her statement “I’m still waiting for you to help me with this request” was a tinderbox waiting to be ignited. My response of “And I’m still waiting for your reasons for doing this” was definitely not what she wanted! Her next fully-inflamed statement understandable: “Well YOU have YOUR tattoo… Why did you get YOURS? Why couldn’t YOU have expressed your ‘statement’ in any other way? HUH?” I answered, “Oh, you want to know? Great. Let me get back to you in a few days.”
Either the next day or shortly thereafter, I presented to her what I thought was a great tome of wisdom: Why I got the yin-yang symbol on the middle of my back, a combination of fire and ice, perfect circle by joining the individual parts, the universe gently patting me there saying “Now, now; everything will be OK. Just keep moving.” Dang insightful for an old man, in my humble opinion. At this point she replied: “OH, now I get what you want! I’ll get back to you.”
Within a day or two she presented me with a GREAT summary of her thoughts. One problem: they were my thoughts, plagairized to fit her agenda. The immediate decision: No way. She needed to come back with her own thoughts. She left me that day in a rather foul mood.
Her 18th birthday finally arrived…
The day after her birthday she asked me if I want to go somewhere with her. After a brief series of questions she admitted she wanted ME to go with her to get her tattoo. Finally, after all these years she was legally free to get it and she bestowed the honor to me to be there. “Nope” was the answer I got when I inquired what she’d be getting. “Just wait. I think you’ll approve.” She refused to let me go back to watch the art as it unfolded so I patiently waited like an expectant father (which I was, technically).
When the artist came to take me back, I saw that she was face down (which caused my heart to temporarily stop, imagining a tramp-stamp and my wildest fears in that moment come true), but he was working on her right shoulder (the heart started back up). I also saw that there was very little “graphical” parts — looked to be script writing surrounded by a few flowers. My curiosity turned to admiration and wonder as I studied the finished product:
A bit red, but one of the most beautiful sights I think I’d had seen (well, since she first appeared in this world red faced and not very happy to be disturbed). I smiled and asked her to explain it.
“First, dad, I didn’t want something trashy — I really wanted something that captured a few of the lessons I’ve learned.
You’ve always helped me see life a bit differently than most people, and to challenge what most people take as ‘fact’ when it might not be.
I thought about the saying “Forgive and forget” and disagreed with it because of a few things you’ve taught me.
‘Resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die’ was something I’ve heard you say before. I really like that because if we resent anything in our life, we’re the one who will suffer. Especially when people hurt us — we want to hurt them back and then keep hurting them. Nope, not a good strategy. SO, we must always forgive. Period.
The most important part of life beyond loving and forgiving is learning. We need to learn every day, and can learn from any of our experiences. If we lose this learning we’re no better off today or tomorrow than we were 10 years ago. Shame on us if we don’t learn the lessons life has to offer. SO, we must never forget anything.
Combining the two is not just the best way of approaching life, it’s the only way. I’m human and will not be able to remember this in every moment. When I’m mad or scared or frustrated, I’m going to want to hurt someone who has hurt me or I’m going to slip back into my old habits and not really show my learning. SO, while I’m looking forward to my life I’ll need to occasionally — ok, maybe frequently! — look back over my shoulder to see where I’ve come. When I do this I’ll be able to see my reminder to always forgive… but never forget.”
We both left the tattoo parlor that day changed forever. I couldn’t have been more proud of her — or it.
A few resiliency lessons — if they weren’t obvious
- Persistence may not pay off in the end, but if we don’t persist we certainly won’t get what we want. (She got her tattoo anyway and would have, but I doubt it would have been the same one.)
- Stand your ground especially when it comes to principles; don’t give in to anyone if your integrity will be compromised. (I refused to cave… and I’m so glad I didn’t.)
- Your mindset and subsequent actions are heavily influenced by those in your immediate circle (mine influencing hers) AND be careful because you’re being watched and listened to all the time (her intensely watching me).
- You’re never too old to learn so PAY ATTENTION — especially to your children as they can be an amazing source of insight!
